More Saturn Awakening

Saturn is still performing the task šŸ˜‰ of the Awakener busting down the thick layer of fog. As I mentioned in the last post Saturn is activating Big G.

Now the best description of the 12th house I’ve heard is actually from Vedic astrology. They say that the 12th house are secrets that are unknown to you.

So here’s my personal observation on a 12th house Leo Moon squaring a 3rd house Scorpio Neptune. Secrets in the family that one or both parents may have a personality disorder or harmful behavior that you don’t know about. The family appearing to society to be normal and loving. Confusing, deceptive, secretive, destructive, emotionally manipulative, dis-empowering, devaluing communication behind closed doors. Empowering, spiritual, inclusive, support for the child’s true personality, communication in public. Feeling alone and invisible in one’s immediate early environment. Never knowing what kinda of hell is gonna happen from day-to-day though the chaos was mostly confined to the weekend. The appearance of harmony in the daily environment. Overshadowed in terms of communication in the home. I’m sure there’s more but that’s all I can come up with right now.

The crazy part for me is that I thought much of what was going on in my household was a secret. Turns out that my birth mother’s family had some idea of what was going on. How do I know that? Well they revealed being witnesses to physical abuse when I was a toddler. Remember I said earlier that the 12th house is secrets that are unbeknownst to you. I don’t remember much prior to the age of 6 and what they were telling me was well before that age. (Neptune in the 3rd) And maybe it’s a good thing that I can’t remember.

All this time thinking that they had no clue about what was really going on at home (12th house Moon). Of course they did not have all the details because they were not living in the same city but there was an uncle who did live in the same city. Ā I’m finding out that this uncle talked regularly to his mother (my grandmother) about what was going on in my household.

I just found out something else. This uncle was going to pay (Venus) for me to go to college. My birth mother (Moon) refused to sign the paperwork. Yes, she refused to sign paperwork for her only child (natal Mercury conjunct Saturn) to get a college education (9th house NN) that was going to be paid for with someone else’s resources (Scorpio). What kind of mother does that?

I think this is reflected by my 8th house Sun/Mars conjunction as well especially with Uranus transiting this house and near my Sun along with Pluto transiting the 5th squaring my Sun.

Here’s another live and in living color astrology in action. A few weeks ago when Saturn was within 2 degrees of my Neptune, I was transporting my birth mother to her doctors appointment. We left there and made a stop at a chain pharmacy to pick up her prescriptions. I went in to get them as she said her feet won’t let her walk. As an aside, she has always had trouble with her feet but it has gotten progressively worse since my birth father died. I, her daughter has Saturn in Pisces and I don’t have problems with my feet and yes my Saturn is inconjunct/quincunx my Moon. Hmmm.

Anyway, I come out, get in my car to take her on yet another errand and my car will not crank. Turn the key and a bit of clicking, then nothing.

Remember I said in the last post that Saturn’s activation of Big G has awakened me to the reality of patterns of childhood interactions between me and my birth mother? Well, I have been getting warnings of the illusions I had regarding my mother for years but I ignored them. Without getting into all the details leading up to this, I feel like Saturn used this as the cosmic 2 Ɨ 4 to literally say, “Stop (Saturn)your participation in this BS (Scorpio) otherwise you will end up SOL, used up and up the creek without a paddle. What she’s said (3rd house) and what she’s done has not matched up.” Her actions are much louder than her words. (Mars in the 8th co-ruling the 3rd)

When we affirm the very best of and for our children, they have a very different view of their place in the place and position in the world. Don’t call them anything you don’t want them to be. Speak seeds of greatness in their minds, and they will grow into strong sturdy plants.” Ā Ā Iyanla Vanzant

 

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About msfullroller

It's me MsFullroller from YouTube and my blog CeraIsis formerly named Earth Wind Fire nd Flow and my new blog Pluranian RamBull!ings.

Posted on January 28, 2014, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 15 Comments.

  1. Wow I can really identify.. I don’t know if you will believe this (or course you will.. that’s my history talking :)) My car battery also went flat when I had said I would collect my Mother from the doctor’s surgery.. Saturn/the universe literally stopped me from participating in a pantomine. I too have Neptune in the third..@ 13 Scorp. it is widely square my moon at 6 Aquarius in the Sixth House conjunct Mars 1 deg and Saturn 3 degree).

    My mother’s Saturn is at 11 Scorp and my sister has Saturn at about this same place. therefore both their Saturn’s sit on my Neptune.. where they are blocked.. deep emotional feelings and repressed truth. I am open…Can’t even begin to tell you the amount of run ins I have had with them as is hard to breathe around all that repressed Scorpio energy. My sister has been hospitalised for two years running and is currently due for another hospitalisation due to repression of her true self and the abuse she suffered growing up…. one time was pushed into a cupboard and broke her wrists.. my parents denied they were broken and taht she was in pain and at the table when she held a glass is dropped and shattered.. did they believe her then??? I don’t know, can t remember (she is 8 years older and I was born on her first Saturn square. She struggles ongoing depression and bipolar, as does my older sister.

    I still don’t have a handle on this nor my own history as I too have not much memory of the time before age 6 just like you….only feeling so alone and having no one there to turn to..This in many ways was a repeat as growing up my mother had no one home for her to turn to either.

    I can also relate to what you wrote about the opportunity for an education you were presented with and was denied. I pleaded to be sent away to school as I was so lonely at home… my father would not let me go “I would miss you too much”. Maybe your Mum resented you having this opportunity.. or there could be other hidden reasons. . What are the synastry aspects between you both? Its a hard truth to cop that you were denied in thijs way… and I in no way want to minimise the pain of it.. but this could be coming up with Venus about to turn direct in the next day or so.. issues of how our feelings, needs and values were or were not noticed by our parents…

    I also identify with the miscommunication and confusion around the truth … my mother constantly bends emotional reality and its been an ongoing struggle to believe myself.. thus my earlier comment “you wont believe this”. Neptune is square to Mercury in the seventh too..

    Thanks heaps for sharing the link to your blog on my comments section.. I am quite new to wordpress and would be so happy to advertise your blogs on my blog….

    Hug (((—-)))

    • Oh wow Moon/Mars/Saturn conjunct in Aquarius-and that is well within orb of squaring your Neptune. Is it retrograde or direct? I have not written anything directly about being the child of a narcissistic mother but I lived it so heck yeah-I definitely believe you. Did your car incident happen recently with Saturn transiting the 3rd? I’m also thinking of the Supremes song “Stop in the name of love (my words-for self)…before you break my heart (anymore)”. If I don’t love myself, I know for a fact now I can’t expect her to love me and do the right thing.

      Oh yes I’m sure she resented it alright. From what I gather from her family there was no abuse from their mother (my grandmother). Just the opposite as she was the last child born and got her way with everyone. With me there were no broken bones or anything like that. The belt whippings stopped at about age 8. Even though I was slender, I was physically strong so I suspect that’s why she stopped doing that and stepped up the verbal and emotional attacks fueled by alcohol. Fortunately, it was mostly done on the weekends. I’m finally realizing that as long being myself is a threat to her, there is and never was a mother/daughter relationship between us…period.

      As far as the synastry: Her Saturn is tightly conjunct my 10th house Jupiter in Gemini which is at the apex of my other t-square squaring my 1st house Pluto/Uranus conjunction and squaring 7th house Saturn/Mercury retrograde/Chiron conjunction. Her Saturn is also quincunx/inconjunct my Neptune/SN conjunction. Her Venus is conjunct my Pluto/Uranus so that means it opposed my 7th house stuff. Wow, it just hit me-the last two sentences I typed and with what I’ve been studying and what an astrologer told me last year finally makes sense. Finally her Pluto/Jupiter/Sun/NN conjunction trines my Sun/Mars conjunction with her Moon possibly in opposition.

      I found you through Ursula and I’m so grateful. The comment is what’s called a pingback. When you link to an article from someone’s blog, WordPress let’s the author know in that way. The same thing happens when you link to an article within your own blog. As she and others have so brilliantly pointed out, narcissistic parents want to keep us in that state of confusion so that we don’t believe what’s happening is wack as hell, believe in ourselves or have others believe us. We are objects to them.

      Hugs (((–)))

  2. Also my understanding of the 12th house moon is emotional issues carried mutigenerationally….which you are a conduit for or may have a task to bring to consciousness and heal… don’t know if that makes sense… also the Leo moon is around emotional self expression and maternal issues which is so hard to come to clarity about due to the obscuring of the 12th house an the Neptune square…a double whammy Neptunian fog moon..do you get information from your dreams?

    • I think so. I really try to pay attention to the dreams that come out of the blue but they usually don’t make sense until much later on down the road. What you said about the 12th…I get what you mean. Thanks! šŸ™‚

  3. Isnt that amazing. Astrology is so spot on.. with her Saturn in Gemini on your Jupiter in Gemini it would have been interesting to know what transits were about when you “lost” that opportunity… it speaks strongly of why she denied you teaching and learning and that Jupiter is part of that T-square (specially with Chiron and Mercury involved). The only good thing that comes out of this is that we learn we have to turn within in order to gain any kind of peace or happiness and then the Chiron pain sends us on a journey, for you finding an avenue to communicate about it…In my experience of others with the 12th house Moon it does send you on a deep journey, it is found in the child of an alcoholic parent often…. and it is an enormously creative position as you are forced deeply within…I’ve noticed it in charts of people I know who write…

    Did anything significant happen when Saturn went over your moon during 2005-2006? and what degrees is your Leo Moon? My Mars is 1, Saturn 3, and Moon 6 Aquarius and Neptune is 13 Scorp so the squares to my Sun/Mercury/Venus/Jupiter/South Node are closer in orb to the square as they lie between 15 and 18 Aquarius along with the ascendant….interesting that your Moon probably sits very close to my ascendant and North Node in Leo.

    is your Uranus Pluto conjunction in Virgo and am I right in understanding that your Mum’s Venus is in Virgo? And where is your Sun Mars conjunction? Wow your Mother has a pretty powerful conjunction with her Sun very Plutonian with the North Node too. That speaks of a person whose will wont be thwarted.. and explains a lot about her as with the Pluto influence so strong people can be so driven by their own will they are blind to anything outside of it..

    I still don’t totally get pingbacks etc.. my mind is so slow to grasp this cyberworld and its all new… sometimes it overwhelms me and I just need to ground and get back in my body….

    Really appreciate the opportunity to share with you… Hugs back (((((—-)))))

    • Yep you are right, astrology is spot on! It’s the only thing that has helped in making sense out of the why of what has happened.

      Yes, my Pluto/Uranus conjunction is in Virgo with Pluto ahead of Uranus by only 3 minutes and both are conjunct my Ascendant. That’s why I list it in that way. My Sun/Mars conjunction is in Aries in the 8th house. So it’s one Plutonian dealing with another Plutonian. My Leo Moon is almost at 22 degrees. As I played around with dates on my chart with astro.com, it looks like Saturn did not hit my Moon directly until Sept 2006. The significant thing that happened during that time was my decision to stop working after becoming debt free by paying off my mortgage on June 2, 2006. Saturn was trine my Sun on the payoff date and what I refer to as Independence Day. However, your question has brought to my attention the fact that when my birth mother moved in with us for a little over a year, Saturn had just entered my 12th. Yikes…too literal and yes she’s completely driven by her own will as the stage is only big enough for her and her only.

      Like I said in the post, I just found out about that missed opportunity and I don’t have all the details. However using my Mercury retro-Pluto/Uranus opposition, ruler of Mercury placed in the 3rd in Scorpio also retrograde, my intuition and from deduction from the information that has “floated” to me, I’ve come to this conclusion thus far. I graduated high school in 1983 and Saturn was in Scorpio during that time though in retrograde motion. Probably when my uncle informed her of what he had done, Saturn may have been within range or actually squaring all her Leo planets. How ironic that I find out about it while Saturn is in Scorpio and the missed opportunity probably occurred the last time Saturn was in Scorpio! And… this uncle had Saturn in Scorpio…conjuncting my 3rd house Neptune, Jupiter in Aquarius conjuncting my 6th house Venus and Neptune in Leo conjuncting my Moon. So we both share a Jupiter-Saturn square aspect as well as a fixed grand square as he also has Mars in Taurus and possibly the Moon in the 3rd decan of Taurus if he was born around midnight. The range for the Moon on his day of birth was 23 Taurus-6 Gemini. That would mean his Moon would either conjunct my 9th house Taurus NN or my Gemini MC.

      Whoa, you’ve set my mind off on another journey into further piecing together what’s been hidden from me all these years. Thank you!!!! šŸ™‚ I only hope that i can in some way do the same for you.

      Your blog and writing is absolutely wonderful…just be you and know there is one more who appreciates and will encourage you to do just that! šŸ™‚

  4. Also of course Pluto is all about control… so it fits the narcissistic profile….my ex had Moon Chiron conjunction in Pisces opposite Pluto and certain emotions were verboten!!!

    • I wonder did your ex experience that in their childhood. I say that because it’s what I’m experiencing now as I confront family with what I’ve learned from them and also my spouse. But at the same time, in the past I have put a “STOP” to emerging emotions as they were very painful for me to function as I needed to. Now I’m not trying to justify that way of going about it.

  5. Thanks for sharing that as at times I think he had to put the emotions under wraps so as not to be overwhelmed by them. I get where you are coming from.

    His mother was abused by his father who was a serious alcoholic. He witnessed a lot of violence at a young age and then his mother left to save her own life, which took a lot of guts, but she left the children behind and went into an institution for a while to recovery. This happened when he was four and it damaged him deeply. He had experiences of being put in a home and lied to about it and then being taken to New Zealand and into a family home of a school friend then having that opportunity for a loving family snatched away….. then dumped back with his father….so it was an incredibly tough childhood which left heaps of painful scars.

    However I do believe at one point to heal or come to peace we need to accept that we were once a vulnerable child and not just scatter gun anger at others who trigger our earlier wounds and fears, and blame them for something that lies far deeper in the past (Pluto). This is what happens with Moon Pluto (I have the inconjunct) there is anger and pain at the absent mother that gets retriggered. We attract mother substitutes to replay it.. coming to consciousness means taking some kind of responsibility to separate past from present. Otherwise what happens is that new experiences trigger old scenarios which aren’t recogised as such and then are projected. I saw a pattern in his story of how every woman had failed him, it wasn’t really them, the pain all lay back in the past with his own mother. His anger was his self protection but until he could get deeper to the grief under it he continued to run and put up defences.

    It took me a long time to release this old pain of his was something I was powerless over, .. I cried so many times after we separated, knowing how he had suffered .. but he continued to blame me for his pain. I didn’t support him, made him feel like a one man band, didn’t know how to share etc etc. but the anger was all with his mother.

    This might be different to what you are experiencing as to separate from unhealthy situations at times you have to put emotions to one side for a time. I don’t know all the ins and outs of your situation.

    It was interesting you noticed the Saturn return cycle in your own chart with Saturn over natal Neptune in Scorp in 1983 or 1984? Cause I think Saturn transits bring things into sharp relief and always bring about some kind of separation, which was one reason I asked you about the Saturn transit to your Moon. Sounds like that was a really important time for you coming into your own and into financial independence.

    • I don’t want to make it sound like my spouse is not supporting me because he really is. I’m a bit more passionate than he is where he can detach more easily than I. It’s that detachment that I need to learn and I can see that once I’ve calmed down. lol Everyone is on their own journey so how each deals with trauma is individual though people can resist the cosmic messages to start to deal with it. Maybe your ex was not at the place where he was ready to face his past. That of course is not your fault at all. He’s on his journey and you are on yours (the only thing you are responsible for). So I get where you are coming from as well.

      It’s thanks to you that I noticed Saturn over Neptune in 1983, activating Big G back then. The difference of course…much older, wiser, eyes wide open and of course the outer planets in different signs.

  6. Something that I find really interesting if you study synastry is that if a planetary energy is strong or a sign say Pluto/Scorpio or Virgo/Mercury in a parent’s chart then in the child’s chart that house is strong. In my case my Dad had a Virgo stellium and my Saturn Mars Moon is in the sixth. I just found it interesting that your Sun / Mars energy is in Aries in the 8th…. (I have Uranus transiting that at the moment btw). Cause you see your Mum had Sun Pluto and you have Sun in the eighth house….I’m not quite sure what it all means but it seems significant. In that her narcissism forces you on a strong journey into the dark side of that (8th house) in order to transform the Sun Mars energy in Aries. which has to do with expression of will but in a positive way. Does any of that ring bells or make sense?

    • OMG yes!! Makes a lot of sense. When I looked to see when Uranus would hit my Sun (it’s already hit and will be hitting for a 2nd time) and Pluto back in early 2012, I had a feeling that the transit would have a lot to do with her even though the Sun does not represent the mother. Though I must say it was a bit of a surprise (Uranus. However there’s been some fantastic surprises as well. Finding Ursula’s blog and your blog, has helped me to unlock some of the mysteries of the 8th and 12th houses and we are all Virgo Risings!! How cool is that!! šŸ™‚

      I hope that I can be of help to you in some way too.

  7. Also so much to digest in what you wrote.. those synastry aspects with your uncle are just so strong. Its almost like he was some kind of protector or guardian that came to give you definition..but then was thwarted as the Saturn squared your mother’s Leo planets.. What planets does she have in Leo? I may have missed something. Would love to draw out the charts but my astro computer programme is in lock down as my old lap top died and I cant reload the disc of Solar Fire at the moment as due to a move I have lost the password and serial number. uurrrgghh šŸ™‚

  8. Its interesting isn’t it as your mother doesn’t seem like a nurturer and that would fit the Leo profile as the fathers Lions leave the children and will sometimes even kill them. So it would make sense that the Sun would relate to her in some way. I guess its all about your individual essence. I imagine with the Aries Mars Sun its imperative that you find your own individual reality through transforming what has been in the shadows and in your shadow (in the esoteric system the 8th rules the shadow).

    Its interesting I actually have Leo on my ascendant but my first house and seventh houses are huge.. My North Node in Leo is only 2 degrees away from the ascendant. My first and seventh houses cover nearly 45 degrees. And I have Uranus transiting my eighth and my progressed Sun deep in there at the moment..

    It is also uncanny that we have connected at this time. I actually found Ursulas blog after googling Uranus transiting the 8th house. Because my Mars is with Saturn its been a huge undertaking to bring it out of hiding (my ex had Sun Mars in late Cap early Aquarius and a lot of our difficulties where the result of my Saturn on his Mars and his Saturn on my Venus South Node). I agree what you said about my ex, there are always two sides to any story. He had his own unique path and was way more developed than me in a lot of aspects…very strong boundaries where my were just so fluid and open…. A very strong character with lots of good qualities too. I was just so super emotional and as a Capricorn with Mercury and the South Node there it wasn’t easy for him to cope with those emotions. We both had issues with abandonment and that I believe was why the universe brought us together. To deal with them. . That relationship taught me there are limits and its important to recognise them and honour them and as John Mayer says “All you need is love is a lie, cause we had love and we still said goodbye”. Sometimes it is just not meant to be.

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